Whilst working out yesterday, I kept envisioning dancing at my wedding with each song that come on. Mostly Billy Joel, The Miracles, Smokey Robinson. And I kept thinking of you being there. As my husband. But I think I only imagine you there because it’s an easy filler. It’s an easy concept to believe that one day you might take a turn for the better and become my ideal person. But you’re not - I love you, but you’re not. And that’s okay.
Then I started to imagine my funeral if I were to die too young. And what song would end the funeral procession, most likely during a slideshow of my short life. I wavered between various unconventional tunes, but I seemed to be drawn to the song “Vienna” by Billy Joel. (And yes, I know, Billy Joel has been a prime subject of conversation for me these past few days but I just discovered my love for him so shut up and listen despite all the Billy talk.) I thought about all of my friends and family, runny noses and flushed faces, half smiles during slideshow photos that eventually crumple and quiver. You popped up in this daydream a lot too. It was annoying, but also nice. I saw regret in your face, maybe for never being the person I needed or possibly for never being able to admit that we could (or should, I don’t even know) be more than friends.
And then I finished working out and didn’t think of these visions again until now. I’m not a particularly sad person or anything - I just ponder a lot of things. And since this is my blog, I figure I have a right to document this shit here. Even if it is riddled with weird, borderline fucking creepy, hullabaloo.
Also, why ya always gotta call me your sister? Quit that shit. If anything, let’s keep it platonic but please god not “in the family.” I mean… Fuck.
Me and Peter Pan have a lot in common except that I don’t kidnap children.
GOD I JUST LIKE ZUMBA RAGE DANCED TO “MOVIN’ OUT” BY BILLY JOEL IN MY LIVING ROOM AND IT WAS AWESOME AND MY MOM IS GARDENING AND MY DAD IS FIXING A TOILET AND MY BROTHER IS DOWNSTAIRS AND MY PETS WERE DISTRACTED SO NOBODY EVEN SAW IT WHAT THE HELL.